The Juggle Is Real

Many balls manage to get dropped in the circus of life, but I'm working on my act in 2019.

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I didn’t write as much as I wanted to this semester.

It probably won’t surprise you that I also didn’t eat quite as healthy, sleep as much, exercise as frequently, or spend as much quality time with my loved ones as I wished. I was initially disappointed in myself, but I don’t think any human is talented enough to manage these tasks cohesively.

As I look back at the past few months, I realize that, in the juggling act that is my life, I’m talented at maintaining one ball with expert skill: school. The others, small but special pieces of my world, tend to fly wildly and without much attention. If they happen to land in my hand or catch my eye for a day or two – wonderful. However, this semester, they quickly fell to the floor, where they remained unnoticed until classes ended on December 14. If I may be so bold, the juggle is real.

After high school, I immediately entered a climate where academic success is given priority, and yikes, it took a lot of time to figure out how to stay in touch with other basic necessary areas of life. It took me nearly a year to develop a reasonable sleep schedule and semi-acceptable diet. At this point, I believe I’ve achieved the healthiest balance I have yet, largely thanks to a less stressful Fall 2018 that allowed me to enjoy coffee shop mornings and evenings with friends. However, even with extra time in my schedule, I still fail to consistently nurture hobbies and projects that would benefit my life. Why?

I have always been a perfectionist; my soul houses an inner demon that has a dangerous tendency to either do something flawlessly or not at all. She is confident in going full speed ahead academically, but man, she terrified of taking on things that she can’t do well – or perfectly for that matter – for the foreseeable future. I get overwhelmed by the smallest of habit changes because I’m intimidated by the long-term commitment, rather than focusing on the day-to-day. This makes me hesitant to say “I’m going to read and write everyday” because I know there will likely be a day within the next two weeks that I will not – and then, I barely make it three days! It’s truly a failure to shoot for the moon and land among the stars.

There are also errors in my time management that make it all too easy to feel as though I’m “too busy” for hobbies. In my world, coursework and studying are given priority, and other areas are given the remaining blocks of time and little-remaining energy. I return home at the end of a long day, and a shower and my DVR recordings become my solace, not actual soul-enriching activities. Hobbies become chores when they’re not given a purposeful place in one’s schedule, and I have been a poor planner in this regard.

In 2019, I’m hoping to be a bit more mindful of various areas of my life – the balls that have been dropped in the past. I want to give a fraction of the attention I give to my academics to reading, writing, yoga, baking, and so many other activities and opportunities that have been passed over throughout my medical school career. While I think I would have seen this mindset shift as potentially harmful to my success as a scholar in the past, I know nothing but good things can come from giving myself a bit of self-love in this way. This is the year I become a better juggler – one who worries less about perfection and more about the satisfaction that comes from improving in her craft.