The Girl Who Pursues Change

How a mindset shift has shifted "change" from a dirty word to a welcomed path forward

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Certain people welcome change. They live for the new scenery, routine, and unexpected discoveries. While I acknowledge that a fresh start sounds appealing and offers the opportunity for new beginnings, I have never been one of those people. I feel at my most vulnerable when adjusting to newness. In certain situations, I get over newness very quickly, and other times, I revel in the event that flipped my world upside-down for months before learning to live in the aftermath. For the first time in my twenty years of life, I am attempting to embrace change in a way that I never have before.

I was rather sheltered from change for eighteen years. I was born and raised in a small Kansas farm town where the only thing that regularly changed was the weather. The sixty individuals I went to kindergarten with were the same people standing alongside me on our high school graduation day. Especially after middle school, no one close to me moved away, or died, or changed substantially. My life was far from exciting but it was consistent, and that was good enough for me. I had a great group of friends, who remain some of the most inspiring and kind-hearted women I know. My family experienced little to no drama, and we maintained a hectic but blissful schedule. Looking back, the biggest doses of change I experienced were the break-ups with my handful of high school boyfriends. I cried on my bathroom floor and, of course, consulted my mom for comfort, but even Young Naïve Jordan acknowledged that these men weren’t meant for forever.

As a senior, I was accepted into my top-choice college program, which made the prospect of leaving Sabetha and moving to Kansas City a little easier. Much to my own surprise, I adjusted pretty easily to college. I missed my family, but they visited often and brought the spirit of home with them each time. I enjoyed my classes and was surrounded by people who wanted to make friends just as much as I did. My roommate was sweet and wonderful, and I eventually found myself in a truly special, meaningful relationship. It seemed as though everything had fallen into perfect place for me. This was a new “normal” that I could happily adopt, even though it was far different than the life I had been content with just months previously.

From that point—over a year ago—forward, my attention and effort shifted almost completely to school as classes got more difficult. I slowly but surely became all-consumed by lectures, notes, and recordings, and all other hobbies, passions, and people were put on the back burner and given my left-over time and energy. I was eventually confronted about the direction my life was going in, and unfortunately, it came after some relationships had been pushed to the breaking point and some passions seemed to not even reside in my heart anymore. I just spent three paragraphs explaining to you that I dislike change, but my unhealthy habits and skewed focus resulted in exactly what I hoped to avoid.

As someone who has always had a pretty tight grip on my life, I was disappointed with myself for letting things get so out of hand. However, the situation ultimately inspired The Girl Who Hates Change to evolve into The Girl Who Pursues Positive Change. As I sat in my apartment alone, I knew I had no other option but to begin making good of things again. Almost overnight, I began embracing anything and everything that I felt could offer any level of positivity to my life. I quit eating Ramen religiously and began playing with salad recipes, eating lettuce as if it could fill the gaps in my heart. I began an evening ritual of jogging around my neighborhood and shockingly, started to enjoy the process. Whereas I had gone to church to "earn" a donut afterwards, I started attending church with the intent to get something out of the service and carry that message out throughout the week. I baked cupcakes for the first time in years. It took the radical realization that I was neglecting my body and soul to begin caring for myself again.

These external changes have been overwhelmingly beneficial, but I've absolutely noticed an internal shift within myself throughout this transition period as well. Mostly through prayer and journaling, I've been more in touch with my feelings during these past few weeks than I have been in years. This has enabled me to live with larger, more meaningful goals and communicate more honestly and expressively with those around me. Whenever I find myself sinking back into a place of sadness or bitterness, I remind myself how much personal progress I've made recently in my quest to be a well-balanced, openly-loving woman. This motivates me to continue moving forward.

Some days, it's difficult to make these small, positive choices. At least a few days each week, I want nothing more than to wallow in the past and revert back to my old habits. I feel committed, though, to seeing the result of the culmination of my lifestyle changes down the road. I was catapulted into appreciating change against my will, but it is refreshing to now see change and life adjustment as something that doesn’t have to be undesirable. I no longer see “change” as a word with negative connotations. The Girl Who Pursues Positive Change has a far better outlook and possesses a much greater sense of peace that her predecessor ever did, and I’m excited to see what she can accomplish with this new viewpoint.