God-Sized Goals

I didn't realize my God-sized dreams - goals I had subconsciously assumed to be unattainable - until I was forced to write them on paper.

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The pink notecard was sitting in my lap on my open book. Taunting me.

For minutes, I mindlessly twisted a pen in my hand and stared at that blank square of lined paper, overwhelmed with writer's block. On the surface, the prompt was simple: "Write down your God-sized dream." However, as I digested this request, I realized it had been years since I'd given serious thought to any of my long-term dreams, let alone my "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" caliber dreams.

As a young girl, I wanted to be a doctor. As a freshman in high school, I stumbled upon an accelerated medical program I wanted to attend. As a senior in high school, I was accepted to said program. "Step One in achieving central life goal? Check," I'd thought. Thinking about anything beyond medical school then became a task for the distant future. Until the pink note card sat in front of me, two years later, demanding that I offer serious thought to what I want out of my life.

After a fair amount of fidgeting, three words came out of the tip of my pen: become a cardiologist. Almost immediately, the demons that occasionally appear on my shoulder throughout medical school came forth: "Wait, what, Jordan? Surely you won't achieve the board scores you need for that specialty. You have people skills, not outstanding book smarts. You need to reach for something safer, something that demands less excellence from you."

Wow. I suddenly became aware of how little self-confidence I had in myself, and specifically my academic abilities. I had deeply enjoyed the cardiology unit of Human Structure Function, but until those three words flowed from my subconscious and out of my hand, I had never considered myself a worthy candidate to pursue that specialty. Looking at the now-less-empty notecard, I saw a renewed vision for myself as a medical student. I pushed myself scholastically, was an avid learner of cardiology, and eventually opened my Match Day envelope to see the perfect residency. Thinking about such a scene gave me chills. This God-sized dream had been drowned out by negative thoughts and self-doubt, but writing it down had brought it to the surface.

Returning to the pink notecard, I continued writing: and be a role model for women.

Huh, I thought to myself. I've always been impassioned when speaking about the inequalities that females face in society; hell, I'm entering a field where females make 28% less than their male counterparts, and that's just wrong. I've never been one to think extensively about my future children, but I have thought about the pride I'd feel to raise independent, forward-thinking daughters. Like my previous God-sized goal, though, I had never considered this area to resonate so deeply with me. I second-guessed myself, internally wondering "Are you sure that this is a key goal for you?" Yes, I quickly decided. If I can make this world better for the women that come after me, then I ultimately believe that God will have used me for good on this earth.

I still feel a sense of purpose as I think about that initially-intimidating index card. I had never summoned the courage to address these internal dreams, and now that they have been brought to light, I feel more powerful and goal-oriented than I have in years. At this point, my major steps forward towards achieving these dreams are largely to-be-determined, but I know these desires have been placed in me for a reason. That is enough for now.