The Beginning of Something Big

The control-freak learning to relinquish control has only brought peace.

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I’ve never considered church to be a home. In fact, I’ve always felt generally uncomfortable in church.

Growing up, I could count on going to church on Christmas and Easter with my extended family. I didn’t know the rituals that everyone else did without thinking; I had to look up the lyrics to songs that everyone already knew. I believed in God, but I absolutely did not pursue anything greater than this. I was surrounded by friends who were very passionate about their churches and their faith, and while I was envious, I didn’t know where to begin in strengthening my superficial relationship with Him.

During my freshman year of college, I met people who were very strong believers that encouraged me to check out a local church. It was very contemporary, with loud music and passionate messages—a far cry from what I had thought “church” to be. I felt encouraged and excited when I left each service. However, I was still hesitant to jump in with both feet. I was attending each week, but I was sluggish to get out of bed and go each Sunday morning. If someone asked me if I was going to church that weekend, I replied “Probably.” I denied all opportunities to get involved in the church team or to connect with other college students that attended. The idea of developing and nurturing my own personal faith was in the back of my mind, but I ignored that little voice.

I have always been a person that believes very strongly in my own plans. This isn’t always a bad thing – it was this determination to achieve what I wanted that got me accepted into medical school and allowed me to be successful there. This stubborn nature is accompanied by a lack of patience and control-freak tendencies. As you can guess, I have never found peace in the idea that "what is meant to be, will be." However, some seasons of life demand a trust in a greater power that has control over your situation. Such a season is when I began setting aside my willpower and grit to begin truly seeking comfort through God.

Sad and confused, I began attending my church with new intent. It was as if I was hearing the worship songs with new ears; they suddenly resonated so strongly with me and ignited a desire to sing out the lyrics. I had always felt awkward during worship, but I was finally beginning to understand the passion of those around me. Through a mutual friend, I became involved with other college-aged students, and the presence of each new friend was simply refreshing. Church was no longer a place of intimidation for me; it was a place where friendship had begun to bloom and my heart felt the sensation of healing.

Perhaps the most powerful experience, though, was stepping out of my comfort zone to attend a weekly Prayer Night. At this mid-week service, attendees pray over that weekend's submitted prayer requests. I was handed the written requests of three anonymous individuals, and music was blared as I was given time to pray over those people. It's difficult to explain the feeling of responsibility I felt when talking to God about these perfect strangers, all of whom had much greater worries than I. That week, I had been ultimately concerned with asking God to help me through my struggles, and that suddenly felt very small-minded. It was therapeutic to open up my conversation with God to include other people.

It is said that pain is God's megaphone, and my experience absolutely reflects this. Always having harbored a great sense of control, I didn't need all that He had to offer until I was at my personal rock bottom. Out of helplessness, I began asking God for direction and peace during my most vulnerable time. Almost out of nowhere, I became overwhelmed with a sense of reassurance. I asked Him to help me demonstrate an obedience like I had never shown, to stay steadfast in pursuing His far-superior plan for my future. Since that heart-surrendering conversation, my outlook has completely changed. This season of my life is still generally challenging, but I possess a spirit of hope and a desire to live a bit more like Christ like I never have before.

I eventually return to this outlook of hope, but there is absolutely day-to-day fluctuation. I am often tempted to force things together to temporarily escape my immediate struggles. I am comforted, though, by fact that my daily pursuit - however difficult it may be - will result in far greater blessings than I could produce on my own. Every occasional moment of loneliness and misdirection is countered by moments of pride, power, and contentedness. There is triumph ahead for me, and it is because I’ve finally handed over control to someone much wiser than I.